San Francisco, CA...........
People close to rock musician Bob Weir were breathing a bit easier today after being alarmed and frightened by the guitarist's decision to quit his band of over 25 years, the Grateful Dead, and join the casino ballroom circuit as a professional Wayne Newton imitator.

"Hey, I admit it, I wanted to go for the BIG BUCK$" said Weir after learning that the apparently popular entertainer Newton had grossed close to ten million dollars last year. "I just figured that a Wayne Newton Imitator could skim off at least part of that...and how hard can it be to entertain a couple busloads of polyester salesman from Duluth?"

Reaction from his band was varied, yet concerned:

Phil Lesh - "He always was the glamour boy of the band, and I guess the typical Dead concert crowds just didn't do too much for him."

Jerry Garcia - "Well, once he got that slide guitar thing figured out, there wasn't anything else left for him to do."

Debbie Whippet - "I wonder how he'll look in sequined cut-offs?"

However, friends and fans alike were relieved to learn that Weir was forced to cancel his planned career shift when he was unable to come up with enough money for the required sex change operation. "And besides, look what happened to Sweet Jane", he said afterward, "all a friend can say is ain't it a shame".

San Francisco, CA............
A consortium of otherwise unrelated special interest groups have combined their efforts to back an innovative 'Blast a Tourist to Space' program. At a news conference convened to present this concept to an eager public, group spokesman Daryl Walstib explained: "The problem we are trying to address is the massive overabundance of tourists crowding a limited amount of space in San Francisco. Pier 39 is wall-to-wall and the cable cars are jammed."

Walstib, head of the Native Californians Association, decided to capitalize on the success of their 'Welcome to California - Now Go Home' bumpersticker campaign by developing an attraction that would entice tourists to board a vessel and be blasted into space. For transforming his idea to reality, Walstib turned to Inter-Spatial Enterprises and the noted head of their Mass-Transfer Research Department, Dr. Earl Bates. "The idea is to give them a rush they won't ever forget", Dr. Bates explained, "and at the same time help thin out the tourist ranks."

When asked about the apparent lack of any noticeable re-entry vehicle or mechanism, Dr. Bates remarked: "Hey, once they're gone it's their problem." Captain K.C. Jones, Master of the Blaster-class space vehicle STAR BULLET, added: "You know, that notion just crossed my mind."

Concord, CA.......
Mysteriously popular Mega-Star Barry Manilow was taken into custody soon after his recent performance at the Concord Pavilion and charged with exceeding the cultural tolerance level of the citizenry. Under the recently enacted "Use an Accordion, Go to Jail" Law, anyone found shamelessly groveling for audience empathy is to be arrested and charged....in the First Degree if it is a paying performance. Due to his supposedly immense popularity, if convicted Manilow faces a stiff sentence of 25 years-to-Life and possibly the Death Penalty, if it can be proved that the act was completely premeditated and he was not legally insane at the time.

"We had a tip-off that he might try to pull something like this", said Concord Chief-of-Police Conrad Hoopler, "these guys come in here and think they can do absolutely anything and call it art. Well, I've just filled my last barf bag. This guy is gonna fry."

Manilow was reluctant to discuss the incident, but when pressed expressed regret and remorse. "I had no idea my music could cause so much anguish. My faithful fans seemed to like it and I didn't have this problem in Atlantic City." When informed that the entire audience had also been arrested as accessories to the crime and were presently detained in social quarantine, Manilow stated, "They can take my accordion. They can take my hokey pants and bow-tie. But they can't take my feeling for everyone of you. Have a Nice Day"

Letters of condemnation and outrage have poured into the County Courthouse since the incident. They run over 10-1 in favor of conviction and the Death Penalty. Under California's innovative Justice System, capital punishment may be carried out as suits the crime. In this case, execution would be by forced attendance, front row center, at every concert of the Monsters of Rock Tour until legally brain dead. However, the concern has been raised that this action may backfire and we would be faced with the spectacle of Barry Manilow decked out in studded leather jock strap and torn T-shirt screaming unintelligible Heavy Metal to thousands of likewise brain dead "Barry-Heads".

Place your order for barf bags soon.

Yes sports fans, The March of the Roundheads has become a flood tide. The shifting sands of society are drifting into the Twilight Zone and the MoodMeter is pointing crazily at HEY-YOU-PUT-OUT-THAT-JOINT!!!!!!!...It's a trench warfare mentality but the only incoming rounds are from their own misguided artillery. If you can't conclusively prove that you have never taken anything stronger than Wonderbread and Velveeta, then you can't possibly contribute to a functional society or even be expected to be held accountable for your actions. Your Primary Responsibility to yourself, as a Human Being on Planet Earth, is somehow dissipated and replaced with an inbred belief that you will be "taken care of" or "made to pay" for your transgressions...We know what is best for you ... Our perspective is the only right one...No other viewpoints are allowed, tolerated, accepted or even recognized to exist... ...for Chrissakes, LIGHTEN UP!.....Righteousness is a trait far more Evil and Menacing than any lifestyle alternative or choice of diet soda. What these people fail to realize or acknowledge is the existence of an infinitely inexhaustable abundance of multi-perceptual happenings outside the socially-conditioned constraints of their perfectly coordinated, designer-styled, exactly dimensioned little boxes that pass for the Life Experience. Hey, it's no big deal being ignorant....that's how we all start out...the whole idea is to DO something about it. But to be Stupid, proud of it, and willing to advertise that fact, is a concept far beyond the meager machinery of this mind..... Unfortunately, the most devout practioners of this retro-mental faith are currently rising to the top of the social governing body where their actions, non-actions, attitudes and expectations have ever menacing implications for the freedom of space that is the foundation of the uniquely American Experience and the reason we all don't move to Russia.

Given this as the State of Our Status, the question becomes one of simple survival. We're not out to overthrow anything or anyone (why fuck with something that will self-destruct ?)...We're not seeking Divine Guidance or a roadmap to Enlightenment. We could care less if you are male, female, black (African-American), white, brown, green, blue, pink, straight, gay, plus, minus, up, down, all-around......Can you cook or turn a wrench ?? Can you produce an Original Thought that hasn't been pre-digested, regurgitated and completely eliminated of all creative merit ?? ........This is all that is required. No tricks or fancy solutions. You are judged not by who you are, or what you do (or don't do), or how you do it, but by the results you achieve with your self-generated, inner-guided process for living.

Of course, this brings up the whole issue of "inner-guided" vs. "externally conditioned" and the concept of underlying form as the process behind the appearance of achievement.......But hey, let's stick to developing a plan of action and leave the analysis for the post-game show. In the introduction to his final written work, a compilation of his many patents, Buckminster Fuller (Occupation: Genius) presents the task at hand as only he can..........

" I hope that the record so documented will serve as an encouragement to you as individuals to undertake tasks that you can see need to be attended to, which are not to the best of your knowledge being attended to by others, and for which there are no capital backers. You are going to have to test a cosmic intellectual integrity as being inherently manifest in the eternally generalized scientific and only mathematically expressible laws governing the complex design of Universe and all of the myriads of objective special-case realizations...I think we are coming to a very extraordinary moment in the history of humanity, when only such a spontaneous, competent, and ultimately cooperative design-science initiative-taking can ensure humanity's safe crossing of the cosmically critical threshold into its prime and possibly eternal functioning in the macro-micro cosmic scene."

Well, quite the assignment. But notice the emphasis on "you as individuals". He recognizes that the most far-reaching, long-sighted evolutionary efforts begin on the singular "inner-guided" level. The intent of this exercise is to capitalize on the strengths of "us as individuals" to generate an atmosphere of creative interaction and dynamic balance.... the key operatives being, in any endeavor large or small, competence, integrity and impeccability.......

We are, after all, professionals.

Unfortunately, we must face a world increasingly being filled with and operated by rank amateurs. Not only don't they have a clue, but they are totally oblivious to their condition. Their standards of 'professionalism' are some third-rate, second-hand interpretation of whatever fast-track fad happens to be in play. The Road to Success is littered with the bleached bones of corporate climbers who flamed-out too early, victims of their own treachery and ignorance. At the Summit, the Successful Ones sniff the thin air, stare at the bleak landscape and plunge into mid-life crisis, wondering "is that all there is ?" What they fail to realize is all that 'bleak landscape' is actually a vast, majestic plateau representing arrival at the Starting Point....and since they were looking for an End Point instead, their life experience, built on the dead dreams and expectations of others, comes crashing down in a disillusioned tumble of debris. A simple way to avoid repeating this example:

End Points represent the defined limits of the 'little box' mentality. The life process is actually a continuous string of Starting Points, interlocked in an expanding spiral of time-space reference frames........

Hey, hold on there...getting a bit heavy on the brain-waves. What application does this have for the task at hand?? Awareness is the first step. Attaining, and maintaining, the proper perspective is the primary advantage we enjoy over the lemming-ed masses. Being able to see the process as a whole allows us to configure our actions in alignment with the Grand Plan. The revelation of this Plan is where the 'inner-guided' aspect comes into play.....

It is only through the proper balance of intuition (strategy) and application (tactics) that a consistent, creative effort is achieved. The wellspring of this inner-guided intuition is the boundless, undefined creative inertia that fuels the universal evolutionary process and keeps us all from slipping back to primordial ooze (Young Republicans excepted). The primary goal, on an individual level, is to nurture the inner-guided process and recognize its importance in spite of social conditioning to the contrary. This may appear a difficult task, but actually is simplicity itself...just do what comes natural. Each of us is a piece in the puzzle, unique and essential to the Final Solution. The intent of this experiment is to start fitting our pieces together and thus form a connected nucleus from which we can attain an ever-clearing viewpoint and begin interconnecting with other similar efforts. The base process remains the same as the focus shifts from individual to Big Picture...it is only a matter of scale. Balance is the key, something all those fast-track dickheads and new-age yahoos will never comprehend. It starts by listening to the music vibrating at our core, then dancing with others that hear the tune. The ultimate fate of those who can't stand the music is to be trampled to dust beneath our dancing feet..............